I open my tired eyes,
I feel it immediately in me.
Unfortunately, I recognize it.
It fills so much space,
Flooding me with nothing,
With painful emptiness.
Please, not again
I cannot face it again.
I was normal yesterday.
There was no warning.
No chance for me to stop it,
To fix or irradiate it.
I reach out my hand,
Snatching up my cure,
My coping mechanism,
My only fail-safe.
It runs through my ears,
It flows through my veins.
But I still feel the pain,
The fist of numbness.
It closes over my lunges,
It grips onto my throat.
I cannot even cry,
I cannot make a sound.
I force myself live,
To get up slowly, robotically.
It won't let me focus.
It takes control of me.
I promised myself, I swore,
I swore this would never happen.
Not to me, Not again.
Last time I didn't know,
I didn't understand at all
What was happening.
Now I am stronger,
Or at least I really thought so.
But it is more powerful now.
How did I ever stop it?
How was it beaten before?
It draws out my empathy,
I want to care, to feel.
To go back to myself,
To get back my ability to cope.
Because I need to win,
And because I can't fall again.
I can't. Never again.
