Not Again

I open my tired eyes,
I feel it immediately in me.
Unfortunately, I recognize it.
It fills so much space,
Flooding me with nothing,
With painful emptiness.
Please, not again
I cannot face it again.
I was normal yesterday.
There was no warning.
No chance for me to stop it,
To fix or irradiate it.
I reach out my hand,
Snatching up my cure,
My coping mechanism,
My only fail-safe.
It runs through my ears,
It flows through my veins.
But I still feel the pain,
The fist of numbness.
It closes over my lunges,
It grips onto my throat.
I cannot even cry,
I cannot make a sound.
I force myself live,
To get up slowly, robotically.
It won't let me focus.
It takes control of me.
I promised myself, I swore,
I swore this would never happen.
Not to me, Not again.
Last time I didn't know,
I didn't understand at all
What was happening.
Now I am stronger,
Or at least I really thought so.
But it is more powerful now.
How did I ever stop it?
How was it beaten before?
It draws out my empathy,
I want to care, to feel.
To go back to myself,
To get back my ability to cope.
Because I need to win,
And because I can't fall again.
I can't. Never again.

Rooftops

My window a few feet behind me,
The busy street before me,
The dark, rough surface beneath me
I feel the sidelong stares
Of startled drivers rushing by
Wind catches my messy hair, 
My loose clothing,  my freezing fingers,
I glance back into the room
From which I so timidly emerged
I gaze at the world around me,
Overwhelmed by the speed and the chaos
As large as this feels, I know it is larger
As small as I seem, I know I am smaller
I am not so naive as to hope for a role
That is greater than the part I know I am
Destined and content to skillfully play
My surroundings continue at their usual rate
A blur of momentum and confusion
I observe the world as it always had been
Maybe I am native, perhaps even foolish
I know I am puny, mortal and insignificant
But in this moment I feel I am
Important, invincible,  and nearly infinite
This rooftop feeling is intoxicating,
And looking down I simply cannot get enough

Writer's Block

Wrapped in blankets, sitting crossed legged in bed,
Surrounded by darkness, checking the time.
Music pumping through low quality headphones,
Like blood pumping through veins.
Reading works of art and writing sad excuses for poetry,
Slowly typing out one cringe-worthy sentence at a time.
At this unreasonable hour, sleep is craved, but unattainable.
Wild, profound, foolish thoughts sneak into consciousness,
They disappear faster than they appear, leaving dissatisfaction.
Switching genres, working on first the short term idea,
Then the long term project, and back again.
Failing, giving up, crawling back, working harder.
Sleep deprived, but hopelessly, pathetically, restless.
Words do not flow so much as seep, and seep they do,
As painfully, and crudely as they possibly can.
Dissatisfied, but worn out, giving in, calling it a night,
Choosing to forget it, release it, unfinished as it may be.
Imperfections and all. Lazily editing, tiredly publishing.

The Last Note

A tingle, a vibration, a voice
It shakes you, your thoughts, everything
It moves through your body
It brings back memories and curiosities
The simple complexity, the sheer perfection
It's all been discovered, it's all been done
Sharper than fear, deeper than pain
Stronger than anxiety and much
More moving than depression
More fulfilling than wonder
It chides you, it intrigues you
It floods you with inspiration
It brightens the worst days
It brings out the you inside of you
Tells a story, calms the storm
Helps you find your personality
Not to be over thought and
Not to be learned, studied, or taught
Simply to be felt, to be heard 
And maybe not to be fully understood
Perhaps better left half in mystery
Not to be revised or changed
But to multiply, to continually create
To be new and different, every time
Every new creation unique
And yet, all the same, all linked
A feeling of awed wonder
As fleeting as the thought, and yet
As eternal as the emotion that it conveys
And with the last note holding out,
It gives you chills and goosebumps
The melodies blending with the harmonies,
The working together of feelings and thoughts
You wish for it never to end, the release,
The escape it provides, is something to hold on to.

Numb

How do you describe a feeling

That cannot be felt

I can sense its filling presence 

It seems like an emotion 

Or perhaps the lack there of

Once again my only language fails me

It's not the same as feeling nothing

And while it does not hurt

It prevents positivity from entering

My life craves happiness

I lack adequate vocabulary

This is not like emptiness

Perhaps this is the way 

And maybe this is right

It shuts out many problems

It gives my mind a rest

But I do not feel like myself

It's as if I am somebody else

I wish to speak with no one

Although the silence is getting eerie 

But I long for our fellowship

And happy memories and thoughts

But even though I miss you 

I can't bring myself to talk

It's like when your hands 

Are frozen and shaking cold

You know when they thaw

That there will be pain

But in spite of this

You warm them up anyway

Because this feeling is not one 

That you'd like to have

The numbness of cold

Could only ever be bad

The unfelt feeling 

Is a feeling all the same

There is never an answer

Nor is there a conclusion

I just pray this numbness

Is not here to stay

Because I believe in the fact

That I cannot live this way

The Outside

It's difficult here 

Here on the outside

There is a wall between us

One that I cannot break

I cannot climb or jump high enough

Something in there has hurt you

I can't protect you

I can't even see you

This uncertainty is killing me

And there is nothing I can do

For I am stuck 

Stuck on the outside of your wall

I could walk all the way around the world 

There would be no way in

I can't tunnel under for the earth would cave in

This is so hopeless you are still trapped within

The outside is hard but I cannot compare 

I'm sure it is harder whatever you're facing in there

You must have it worse 

This all feels like a curse

Take me instead

They're damaging my friend

This is your fight

I am unable to join you

But when this is all over

I'll be waiting for you

The outside is tough but that's where I am

For the time being I'll do what I can

I'm sorry I cannot be useful much more

I'm waiting out here with needles and thread

For when you come out, you may be torn

I'll sew you up neatly from your toes to your head

I'd do this for you any time my dear friend

And from the outside my love I send

Welcome To The World

For those who don't know

I will try to go slow

Just do what you're told

Conforming is gold

Welcome to the world

Where all adults lie

Where teenagers cry

Where small children die

And nobody wonders why

Where kids are victims of rape

Where we cut for an escape

Where we want to end our lives

With our ropes and knives 

Where tears are shed 

Where goodbyes are said

Where it seems we've all lost our heads

Where depression is the monster under the bed

Where we all want to die

Where we never ask why

Where we go with the flow

Where expectations are low

Welcome to the world